If you’re a single black female no scratch that…a single female, you probably have read a book on dating/being single recently. I’ve read a few and the common themes are love yourself, be yourself, work on your flaws, and wait on God/the universe. In theory this sounds like a realistic plan, but no one ever says what it’s like in the meantime.
Let me do it! You are going to have rock bottom moments. I mean the kind where your phone only makes noise because of your spam emails. A few of your friends are going to get married. That one THOT you follow on Instagram is going to get engaged. Your ex ex ex is going to text “just checking on you…what’s good?!” The love of your life just got bae pregnant but he didn’t want kids. Yep…THAT KINDA BOTTOM! And baby there is no book for this kind of pain. This is where God steps in! If you don’t have Jesus, I don’t have the answer for you either but you’re welcome to keep reading.
All the suggestions about what to do in your single season doesn’t come close to hitting home. The older you get, the harder it can become. The negative voices in your head about not being good enough will overwhelm you. The review of all the errors you made in past relationships will haunt you. The “good guys” you let get away will follow you in your dreams. It’s no joke! You may feel like you need an exorcism. Truth is…acceptance is the key!
Did you make mistakes? Yep! Did you let a good one slip through your fingers? Probably! Are you on punishment now? Nope! Does it feel like you are? Fuck yeah!!! Regardless of how it feels, every event is a lesson. It’s up to you to question yourself like a detective during a murder investigation to get to the bottom of it.
Walk with me through this practical example….you are lonely! You could call a friend but you need that male energy. You could call your “Judy on duty” but that won’t work this time. You want to go on a date but there is no one you are remotely interested in. What now? Take yourself on the date. What do you mean you can’t? Girl bye! Why? Do you think others are looking at you with pity? You’d be surprised how they admire your courage and confidence. I’ve dined alone several times and no one is watching me. Truth be told they are not even watching each other. Couples are now spending time on their phones. Dining out is now a lost art. You may as well go alone and look at your phone by yourself. Same thang!
Another day, you have a full on breakdown about how everyone has a man but you. So dramatic but ok let’s do it…you had a man and sent his ass packing for one reason or another. In the rare case he unexpectedly up and left you without any signs, you still met someone else you didn’t want after him. I said all of that to say, single is a choice! You can’t choose and whine about your choices. What’s that? You don’t choose to be single? How else did you get here? He called you a bitch and you didn’t stay – choice! He pushed you in a heated argument and you didn’t stay – choice! He slept with some random chick at your job but you didn’t stay – choice! Starting to make sense? You choose better for yourself when you can easily accept less. If you don’t want less just to say you have someone, than be ok with your decision! Remind yourself why you are single when the rubber meets the road. You have to know, that you know, that you know, what you’re doing is for your own good.
If you’re a Christian woman, you will call on the Lord when you can’t remember. Whatever you use as your spiritual guide, find your center in the chaos. Trust me when I say, this too shall pass! I have found if I can just get through the night, it will be all over in the morning. This is not to say it won’t happen again. It comes in waves or sporadically yet it will subside until the next time. There is no way for complete avoidance. That book does not exist because it’s impossible when your soul yearns for love.
I have started yoga and meditation to gain control of my mind. Negative thoughts run rampant in an idol mind. Find what calms you and practice it. There is no quick fix through your journey. The timing is also your own. Come to terms with it and stop being resistant. Flexibility and flow is your best friend. Breathe through your pain. It will get you by until you get to choose someone you’ve been waiting for. Huh? What if he doesn’t come? Well that too could be your path in life. You are meant to use your time and space for a greater purpose. Shift focus and find out what you’re called to do.